‘Philia’ is one of the four Ancient Greek words for love, most popularly translated to mean ‘friendship’. Amongst the others are ‘Storge’ for familial love and ‘Eros’ for romantic love. For me, Philia is the most powerful form of love that one can learn in their youth. The love learned in childhood friendships is the first love we have our own autonomy in adding to our life. German writer Goethe highlights quite profoundly that “You don’t get to pick your family, but you can pick your teachers, and you can pick your friends.” It is worth highlighting here that I somewhat disagree- as a queer person, chosen family is as valid and rewarding as anything biological, but his point remains.
As a Bratz doll obsessed child, with a penchant for The Little Mermaid, I longed to join in playground activities with the girls I grew up with. Thanks to growing up in a post section-28 world, paired with the new en-vogue ‘Gay Best Friend’ trope (thanks Sex and the City!), this was a viable possibility. A possibility that materialised into some of the most rewarding and long lasting friendships I have so-far made in my life. The girls I met on the schoolyard have became some of the most important women in my life. Writer Dolly Alderton states “Nearly everything I know about love, I’ve learnt from my long-term friendships with women.”, the same reigns true for me. Love, empathy, my sense of humour and humility have all been bestowed upon me by friendships I made with women in my childhood.
Swiss psychologist Alice Miller coined the term ‘Enlightened Witness’- “People who have understood and recognised the consequences of child abuse”. Expanded on by Bell Hooks in ‘All About Love’ in which she suggests adult members of our extended family act as the ‘Enlightened Witness’ and circumvent detrimental psychological damage that can occur from abuse within childhood. I would like to further extend this theory to include childhood friendships. Whilst not necessarily having the intellect or access to resources that adult witnesses may have, our close childhood friends can act as comforting confidantes. Acting as almost novice therapists, our childhood friends can remind us of our value and abilities- negating notions of worthlessness that can be imbued onto us as malleable children.
I find this to be of particular accuracy for me having grown up in a circle of strong girls and women. When looking at how gender stereotypes are imposed onto children, it comes as no surprise that I found empathy and nurturing in these friendships. This is not to further enforce these gender rhetorics but rather to highlight the positive aspect of this kind of socialisation within girls, and how by contrast it it inhibits boys socially and emotionally. Boys are not encouraged to practice emotional vulnerability- it is not common practice (although it should be) to encourage boys to talk about their feelings with one another. This is viewed as a weakness, when socially boys are supposed to practice strength and resilience. By no fault of their own, this prohibits abused or mistreated boys from accessing an ‘Enlightened Witness’ and thereby the counselling necessary. This ignites a sequences of events into adulthood, negatively effecting social and emotional development. It is therefore no surprise we have seen a rise in the likes of ‘incels’. I will forever be grateful for being an exception to this paradigm, but concerned about the prevalence of boys and men who do not have access to this kind of socialisation.
So, how do we extend this positive aspect of love and emotional vulnerability in childhood friendships to all? It seems pretty naïve to suggest an immediate dismantling of patriarchy that enables the adverse of this in the upbringing of boys. However, it is not unachievable, small steps can be taken. Encouraging the boys and men in our life to open up to us and each other is this first step. Removing the stigma surrounding men being emotional is key. With the rise of Andrew Tate-esque influencers encouraging practices of toxic masculinity, this seems like a tough feat. Though it is not impossible; conversations about how the patriarchy is actively working against men, though not to the extent it works against women, is a great starting point. Stories like mine must be told louder in hopes they encourage other men to be critical about the ways in which they are told they ‘should’ navigate their emotions, and become open minded to a more loving world.
Written by: Marco Lehman
Leave a Reply